12.09.2004

My Diary: Catch Up Entry #1

I was keeping an offline diary about depression. And I put a few stories online, but nothing really "striking". I'd like to hang them here so that I can examine them next to these other stories. I hope you don't mind.

November 27, 2003

Some history of me: Girl Blue

It's the middle of the day, February 2001, and the cold light outside of the window matches the light of my inner mood. Depression is only something that you can talk about in similes and metaphors to people who have never experienced it. It's not a feeling of sadness or a "just pick yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of down feeling. It is more like the absence of emotion...not a color really, but having the kind of hazy opaqueness of dirty ice on a winter sidewalk. Blue is not its color, and black is not its color, and grey is not its color. It is the absence of color.

Important things can't get through to your receptors in the middle of a depressive episode--emotions, thoughts, rationalizations. I am a modern television and the cable is out. I can try to help the reception using a set of those rabbit ear antennae from an old TV set, but the picture and sound are drowned out by static. And I would only be able to get three channels anyway.

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