Old Diary Entries Resurrected

March 2002

The doctor from the HMO misdiagnosed me...and she threw Lithium on top of the two meds I was already on. Besides the side effects from these many meds, I began experiencing anxiety attacks that started to trigger social phobia. She increased the Lithium and gave me an anti-anxiety drug. Then I began to hallucinate that people were in my house. She gave me an anti-hallucinogen. My skin was crawling, I was up all night long cleaning the house, I became obsessed with pulling out my leg hairs one-by-one with a tweezer and picking at my skin and hair. I hid ALL OF THIS. And I was on seven meds...a sinister cocktail of the wrong meds. Because that is what the HMO doctor did. Gave me one more thing to cut down on office time and send me away. It was a disaster that made me worse instead of better. My boyfriend and sister became so concerned one night that they came over with an extra key because I had stopped answering the phone and doorbell. When they let themselves in, I raged at them, physically attacked them with my fists and slammed the door in their faces.

Finally, I was admitted to a nearby emergency room--was hospitalized as I was taken off all of these drugs at once and suffered withdrawal--and was only able to get decent caregivers because my hospitalization was so stunning to the managed care consultants that they were terrified of legal action. So I was able to choose my own providers outside of the network.


Seven years later, as a happy, functioning person on a maintenance dosage of the RIGHT anti-depressant--just one--as well as a thyroid drug, I look back at that time and think, "What on earth happened to me?" I graduated from an Ivy-League university with a Masters Degree while working full-time. Had and have a loving circle of family and friends. Have a successful career and at the time was a mid-career, white-collar professional with ("supposedly") the best medical care that money could buy. However, depression is ultimately incredibly fair...it does not discriminate. It doesn't care about your income, your education, your manners. It is an equal opportunity trainwreck...


At 11:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't care about your income, your education, your manners. It is an equal opportunity trainwreck...

Hell, yeah. I've been there too, and I also look back and think.. why? How could they think that would make it better?


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